The Empress, and Beltane, and… well, Covid.

The pagan celebration of Beltane is today. Beltane is all about flowers, fire, sunshine, and May Poles. Originally celebrated in Ireland and Scotland to ring in the end of winter (we’re halfway through spring to summer! finally!), Beltane is my favorite pagan holiday. Like so many who live with depression, I am greatly impacted by the weather – long, dark, cold winters are tough for me so a celebration about light coming after the darkness subsides gives me so much hope (never mind that it’s also a great excuse to get out in my gardens and get dirt under my nails).

Baby Girl’s school typically has a May Day celebration on the Friday following May 1. They sing, and dance, and spin around a May Pole. I’m not sure what the plan is for this year, but today I overheard the kids all singing together – alone in their rooms, using computers and lap tops and phones to “be together”. I’d be lying if I didn’t sob for a while listening to them.

I also cried a while after watching the Parks & Rec reunion with my huz this morning. It felt like a bunch of old friends had come back from a long trip away. It brought some normalcy to these strange, strange times. Something from the BEFORE that returned so I could laugh and remember what life was like before I had to drive back home every time I go out because I forgot my face mask. It brought my thoughts back to a time when I didn’t have to wait in line in the rain at odd hours to go into the grocery store. A time when my little girl could dance and sing with her classmates to celebrate warmer, more sunny days on the horizon.

I’m living two lives lately. I have a life of quarantine – masks to go to the grocery store, helping my little girl with her virtual learning, missing my friends and my family, hating that I can’t hug someone when they have to say goodbye to their beloved pet while I’m at work. I’m also still working three days a week – vets are essential employees. So I’m on the “front line” dealing with people who may or may not be wearing masks. We deal with some people who are so grateful we are open it makes me cry… others who call social distancing “bullshit” and yell at us because they can’t come in the building with their pet. It’s truly exhausting.

Tarot reminded me yesterday to not let my thoughts deceive me and to turn away from that which doesn’t serve. Most importantly, though, it reminded me to remember who I am: I work really hard to be in touch with plants and animals, to be my creative-self, and am someone who loves deeply – I aspire to be the Empress. But it’s so fucking hard lately. With so many precautions that need to be taken to simply leave the house, so much watching my little girl be away from her friends and classmates, and so much stress and worry for those I love who could seriously be impacted by this deathly disease.

I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful for Baby Girl’s virtual school. I’m grateful for Parks & Rec. I’m grateful for my furry friends, Ron & Minerva. And I’m also grateful for all of you who reach out by text or email or instagram just to say hello and check in.

Happy Beltane, witches. And happy almost summer to the rest of you all.

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